My Personal Story with Fear

Today I'd love to share my personal experience regarding fear and how it shows up in my life.

I was born and raised in a strict Catholic home. I hadn't thought much about my motivating factors in life growing up because how I was raised worked for me. I got good grades, got along with my family, and had good friends.

As I graduated from college and moved away from home, I felt unprepared for what I really enjoyed in life and why. I was so focused on doing what I was told because that is what society, church, and my family dynamic said to do. I didn't ask questions; I just did what was expected of me. It served its purpose, I'm grateful for my upbringing, AND I also felt confused and unfulfilled once I got into the 'real world.'

Over the years, I've been more curious about what my motivating factors are. I started asking questions, and one major thing I realized was how much fear was the driving force in my life. My primary fear was influenced by the church. I had a huge fear of God. Unknowingly, that fear was running the show. Every decision I was faced with, I was plagued with anxiety around whether whatever I chose was the 'right' decision. Fear that I would somehow be punished if I made a mistake. I put myself through inner turmoil to figure out how to control an outcome to fit my narrative. Trying to always make the right decision became, to put it simply, exhausting.

How was I supposed to know what was 'right?'

I never gave myself the grace to be human or to make mistakes. Yet, the only way to learn anything is to try something. Perceived failure is really only feedback for what works or doesn't work for us. After learning that my depiction of God was one who punishes, I began to more deeply question what I really believed and why and if that was a God I wanted to believe in.

The fear behind my decisions affected me in every area of life - Which college is best for me? Should I go on a date with that guy? Should I quit that job? What if it doesn't work out? What will I do? Will they like me? Am I buying things I shouldn't right now? Fear made its way into every nook and cranny of decisions for me.

I started assuming that I wouldn't be supported or provided for if I made the wrong decision. I had put so much pressure on myself to 'know better' that I couldn't even receive grace from someone even if they offered it.

I thought that if I did everything 'right', I would be rewarded by God with the things I desired: a successful and fulfilling career, self-love, a happy relationship, lots of money, etc.

I had given all of my power to this omniscient being that it was easy to put all of the blame on God versus taking any accountability for being unhappy. And yet anger would emerge when I would feel I was doing everything I was asked to do and not receiving the results I thought I had earned.

This way of thinking, living, and this deep fear that lived inside me created so many wounds that I've had to heal. It had created so much distrust in myself, so I always looked to others to have the answers for me. It created doubt in others because I felt let down by God, so people will surely let me down if God did. It had become a vicious cycle.

All of these fears caused depression and anxiety. This led me to have a deeper understanding of what I believe and why. And I now have much healthier relationships in all areas of my life - especially with myself.

I now feel the freedom, the trust in myself, my heightened intuition has all come from peeling back the layers of my shadow side. Our shadow sides are really opportunities to become more connected with ourselves through acceptance, compassion, and forgiveness.

I am a very spiritual person, though I’m no longer a practicing Catholic, I've come to realize that Spirit lives within me and is guiding me through my intuition, my passions, and my joy. I still have fears that surface, but the concern seems logical to me now, and I can better assess whether it's fear from my ego or excitement from my soul. Fear and excitement have similar experiences in the body. Now that I've healed many wounds, I can better distinguish between the two.

Depending on your relationship with fear, I believe it's a driving force for so many. Unpacking its meaning in your life could be the next puzzle piece to the peace, fulfillment, and confidence you may be seeking.

Love & Hugs,

Laura